My new favorite phrase is 'low yield nuclear weapon'

Just as soon as I join this club, I'm making this my theme song:

The Lonely Island

Happiness is . . .

Being finished the bulk of your Christmas shopping early.

Happiness is . . .

Finally seeing something good coming to one who waited.

I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me

Happiness is . . .

when your lips are cracked and dry, like the middle of a desert, and you find a chap stick you didn't know you had.

A man lies in his bed in a room with no door
He waits, hoping for a presence or something, anything to enter
After spending half his life searching
He still felt as blank as the ceiling at which he stared
He is alive, but feels absolutely nothing, so is he?

When he was six, he believed that the moon overhead followed him
By nine, he deciphered the illusion, trading magic for fact, no trade-backs
So this is what it's like to be an adult?
If he only knew now what he knew then

Lying sideways atop crumpled sheets and no covers
He decides to dream...Dream up a new self...For himself

cease to resist, giving my goodbye
drive my car into the ocean
you'll think i'm dead, but i sail away

Okay, I just watched ANOTHER interview with Jennifer Love Hewitt where she talks about vajazzling.

So, I have a question. And I'm not even being stupid about this. I'd actually like to know. (Jen, if you read this please email me at telk26@gmail.com with the answer)

Once you've vajazzled it, does that sort of require that you go sans underwear?

I don't mind stealing bread
From the mouths of decadence
But I can't feed on the powerless
When my cup's already overfilled,
But it's on the table
The fire is cooking
And they're farming babies
While slaves are working
Blood is on the table
And the mouths are choking
But I'm growing hungry

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me
I wish I was as fortunate as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood

The A-Team

Well, that was just a lot of fun!

It was a nice contrast between movies. The last one was kind of head-strong and cerebral. This one was Just silly, stupid fun. I never watched the A-Team when it was a TV show. I saw it of course, but I didn't go out of my way to watch it, although I knew the premise.

This was a good movie. Not Oscar quality good but the time went by fast and I liked the story. There was gun fights and explosions, strange plot twists and some rather idiotic characters. The whole Lynch thing was starting to get old. But you can't fight instinct. When it was over and the good guys won (did they?) you were smiling.

4/5

Numb

I can't like this. It would be too personally painful to say that I liked this movie.

Do I think its a decent portrayal of what its like to be that guy? Absolutely. I wouldn't have picked Matthew Perry to play a depersonalized person because you can't take him serious, even when you're supposed to take his serious. But there's a lot there that makes sense.

I thought it played out like a TV movie, so it suffers in that regard from a lack of production value, bad editing and stilted directing. But I liked what they tried to do.

I just can't like the movie. It made me uncomfortable about my life.

2/5

Inception

Holy cow did that blow me away! Its hard to even compare the shows I watched before that, to that movie. They aren't even in the same class.

It was a smart show. I liked how it was subtle and nuanced, without being annoyingly cryptic. It opened kinda strange, and you didn't exactly know what was going on. But when you get the reveal at the end its one of thos 'a ha' moments that you only good when a movie is great at storytelling.

I'm not going to give any of it way by describing the plot. You probably know the basics from the commercials this summer. Its about people going into dreams. But its a lot more complex than that however they don't make it impossible to stay with it. It does take some mental note taking to keep track of where everyone is, but its not difficult to do. But the pay-off is great.

This was awesome!

5/5

Get Him To The Greek

Wow, another one exactly like the first. Didn't like it, didn't not like it.

It felt a little uneven. I know it was /supposed/ to be over the top, with the drinking, the drugs, the girls, the excess but it seemed really forced. Which of course was the point because at the end the rock star admits that he's unhappy. But they didn't sell it well enough at the front end to make it work at the back. Jonah Hill was way too subdued, compared to his talent, and it almost seemed like he was playing a dramatic role.

P.S. There was too many things going into, and out of, his ass. Which could have been funny but it seemed like violation.

3/5

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

I neither loved nor hated this movie.

It started really poorly. At the beginning I was considering turning it off. It picked up when he fought the first ex. But it never really gained any momentum and ended on a kind of limp note.

3/5

I just blew a pea out my nose.

Know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain
Girl I'm leaving you tomorrow
Seems to me girl you know I've done all I can
You see I begged, stole and I borrowed

I wanna be high
Soo high
I wanna be free to know the things I do are right
I wanna be free
Just me

I don't think she cheated. Its possible to solve without any more clues. She did it incredibly fast but its not impossible.

Wheel Of Fortune Puzzler

I am hereby making the recommendation that the next semi-obscure song from the 80's that Glee should cover is:

Bitches Ain't Shit - Doctor Dre

Okay, new rule!

Extra Foods and once again earned my enmity. Now as it turns out it didn't matter. My salad turned out awesome regardless of the fiasco with Extra Foods. So I don't feel cheated. But its the same story as before.

I go to Extra Food tonight. I'm coming back from my dry needling appointment. I'm behind, because the doctor was behind, but that's not the story. I dash into Extra Food just before 9:00. I want to do a quick in-out and go home to eat. I'm hungry like balls.

I pick up this bag salad and it occurs to me, "I was going to have something with mushrooms in it". Mushrooms can go with salad so I start looking around the store for the canned mushrooms.

Do you think I could find the bloody things in Extra Foods? No!!! They were nowhere to be seen. I checked the obvious places. I checked the un-obvious places. I checked any row that had cans in it. I could not find the mushrooms.

So I gave up.

New Rule! All canned goods, regardless of what they are, will all be in ONE aisle. No exceptions. The caviar can be next to the kidney beans. That way, at least if I know its in a CAN, I'll know what aisle to be in.

Blog Question Of The Day:

Do I want to go see Down With Webster next week at the Odeon Event Centre?

Why I Hate McDonalds
by Grant Guenther

I got up early this morning. I had thought about it the night before. I had a plan.  I was at the mall by 9:30. The whole thing started off well.  I stopped at the bank to get cash first. Its been awhile since I got dollar bills and occasionally it comes in handy.  

Next on my list was Safeway. I was going to go to Extra Foods but I changed my mind. I like the steak at Extra Foods better, thus my choice. However the Safeway lot was next to empty and that NEVER happens, so I changed my plan.

I didn't clean up before I left. I wasn't a complete pig. I'd had a shower the night before and I did brush my teeth. But I looked in the mirror before I left and did specifically comment that I definitely needed a shave. But this was just a quick trip and I wasn't trying to impress anyone so I let it slide.

Wouldn't you know my luck? I got the cutest chick working at Safeway as my teller.  She was in a costume. I think she was supposed to be Raggedy Ann or Alice in Wonderland. I wasn't entirely sure. It was a blue dress with a white smock-like front and she had red and white striped socks on. I totally would have started a conversation about it except I looked like a dirty hobo and she might have called the cops on me. Plus she always looks half-scared on the best of days.

It was still early when i left Safeway. It was only 10:00 so I decided 'I'm gonna get a McGriddle'.  

I go to McDonalds and as expected, it looks like a nursing home.  A full 90% of the people there were on social security.

I waited a brief time in line and get to order my McGriddle.  I look at the board "2.59/sandwich, $3.99/meal"  I don't want to pig out on McDonald's because I'll just feel gross.  How about get the meal, and it'll still come in under $5. i get the meal and she gives me the total.  

$5.03.  

Come on!

It has to be because I ordered a Coke.  She asks me, what do you want to drink?  I think about it for a second.  I don't like coffee.  I could get tea but its too much hassle getting the sugar in it.  Forgot about hot chocolate.  I could get orange juice or apple juice.  My juice at home is better.  I'll just get the Coke I wanted with it all along.

So instead of $3.99 for the 'meal' it was actually $4.79.  Just because of the damn Coke.  If its not $3.99 including drink, don't pretend like it is! You know, I wouldn't have noticed or cared, if it had just come in under $5.  But I had zero change with me, because this was /supposed/ to cost less than $5.  So I ended up leaving with enough change in my pocket to make my pants sag to my knees.

I'm having trouble writing lately. No, it's not that I'm lacking topics. Plenty of things are on my mind, as one minute passes into the next. Plenty is probably an understatement. A hummingbird flapping its wings would do well to keep up to the constantly changing litany of thoughts that pass through my cranial membrane.

The problem with writing is that I get about 3/4 of the way through a rant about something, and it becomes vividly clear to me that the cause and remedy to any and everything I want to rail on about in the world, is in my head. The architect of my misfortune and my misery are none other than myself.

I have to break this cycle. Which is proving harder than I thought to do. There is a self-perpetuating series that always takes any event or occurrence, breaks it down into its base parts, and saves only the uncomfortable or misfortunate bits and scatters all the rest to the winds. I'm doing this every time. All the time. I'm starting to see this in myself, now that I'm looking. But the observation alone is not sufficient to solve the problem.

How about we use an example?

"Are you bringing a guest to the Christmas party?"

This does not just SEEM like an innocuous question. It IS an innocuous question. No one passes any judgement based on the answer. There are no truths revealed by responding to this query. It is JUST a question. She meant nothing by it, and probably forgot about my answer by the time she exited my door.

On the other hand, I found this question annoying, invasive and offensive. Let's just let that sink in by including a more or less useless sentence here. I was annoyed that she asked me that. I found the question invasive because I didn't want to answer it. And I frankly am not sure why it was offensive.

My point is, no one cares. Except I care. And I shouldn't because it doesn't matter for any reason. But the reaction is so visceral and immediate that I throw up my guard and am instantly aggressive. Which of course means that I'm bitterly remorseful about ten minutes later. The whole cycle repeats again the next time and I never get out of this lock-step between anger and remorse.

I know why this one question bothers me. The girl asking it is one I've fantasized about being the answer to it. She doesn't say yes when I feebly attempt to ask. Thus I feel toothless and infirm when I have to go over this again with the same girl.

Not that this answers the whole issue fully, because I hate the question anyway. It reminds me, in a vivid way that is impossible to ignore, that I'm not succeeding at something I've made a priority.

I am beginning to see the reasons why this is always a failure. I'm not doing this right. The only thing people see of me are traits that are undesirable. I'm aggressive and angry about almost anything that doesn't go according to my plan. I'm oafish and stupid when I'm not rigidly paying attention. And I'm so cerebral that these constant and continuing failures make me perpetually remorseful and crestfallen. Thus I'm giving out nothing that anyone has any reason to want to return kindly.

This is not however, the answer to changing my fate. This is only step one. I have itemized that my behaviour, and my mental outlook, is the cause of my misfortune. I fail because I set myself up to fail, with my negative thoughts and my unpleasant attitude. It is step two that is the difficult one. I analyzed it quickly enough to figure out what the cause was. But I'm not so certain about the answer.

I'm trying. I'm paying attention to my own thoughts, but more importantly to my voice. Typically I am quick to deride something. I will use some epithet or curse at it/them full of venom. I'll never get rid of it but if I can at least tone it down, or even teach myself not to lash out like that, then maybe there is hope. But the greater answer is to not jump to react, because it only leads me to turn all my insults and fury back on myself. If I can stop reflecting everything mean and awful I say about everything else into my own view of my self-worth, then maybe I have a hope of being seen for less of a monster than I am.

I miss you already... I miss you always
I miss you already... I miss you all day
This is how I feel...

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me

Like any hotblooded human
I have simply wanted an object to crave

But you
You're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Blog Question Of The Day:

What happens if you put a crayon drawing through an auto-feed photocopier?

Today I invented the word 'assholian'

This clip is just vicious. I love it!



Closer

It's finally official. I am pissed off enough about this that I'm going to write about it.

Why does everyone ignore me? I don't get it. Perhaps I'm missing some critical aspect of my own behaviour or attitude. Someone is going to have to answer that for me, because from my perspective I'm not doing anything that justifies this behaviour.

There are numerous examples, most of which I'm going to leave out so as to not make this post about any one person. But the infuriating pattern keeps happening and I've about reached my limit with it.

The hard part about reaching your limit with people ignoring you, is that your alternative is to just ignore them. Its a piss-poor option because, if people ignoring you is pissing you off, then obviously you want their attention and ignoring them is a lousy direction to take.

Why am I being ignored? This is the answerless question that haunts me at night when I should be sleeping. What am I doing that makes it so difficult to:

- answer my email
- return my phone call
- leave a salutation when you cease the conversation

All of these things have occurred, and to my extreme exasperation, have been especially prevalent this week.

You send out an email, which specifically requests a response, and the reply is complete, stone-dead silence. Nothing. Not even a 'no thank you'. Just flat up ignore.

You call someone, again specifically requesting a response, and the result is unnerving dead air. I actually asked for a service, and wanted to compensate, and again it was just another pattern of not being worthy of even a, I'm too busy. Why?

And my personal favourite is querying someone about an issue, and leaving a statement out there to be answered, and that's just the end of the discourse. Not an, I don't know. Not a, no thanks. Not even a, have a good day. Just empty, pregnant silence.

Maybe I'm just an enormous prick. I don't think it would be a stretch to think I might be a tad on the needy side. But why is the pattern repeated that I just get nothing back for my effort? Am I just disliked that much that everyone prefers to walk away over having something to do with me?

This is an effort in self discovery for me. I want to understand why I'm not reaching my goals in life. I'm not a terribly social person. I have identified this as a limitation. But constantly having my attempts to engage people, and being met with the stone wall, is not teaching me anything. In fact its making me ragingly angry and on the verge of becoming a militant asshole to everyone. If you thought I was a prick now, you should see what I could do if I'm committed.

I guess, at the end of the this, I'm asking for advice. Being ignored does not feel very good and I'd like it to stop. But clearly I'm exhibiting some kind of personality flaw that makes it easier for people to walk away than to say good bye. So what is it? Enlighten me!

It has been a weird week.

I feel a bunch of things. Which in and of itself is weird, because you’re not really supposed to notice yourself feeling things. It’s just supposed to be happen.

I could lie and say I knew it was coming. If I tried to do that, you’d see right through me like a white shirt in a wet t-shirt contest. I didn’t see it coming, although maybe I should have.

Tuesday opened my eyes. It is not a lie to say I thought about the moment when it would happen. Because it would have been foolish to think I could go through the rest of my life without it happening. That’s what I wanted though.

I set up my trade show booth on Tuesday, with my direct competitor across the aisle from me. That direct competitor being my former employer. To say I have conflicted feelings about my former employer would be an understatement in the highest regard. It is unlikely that I will resolve the struggle within me about how it came to pass that I went from there to here.

There is a part of me, a very large part of me in fact, that wishes I could just hate him. That would be the easy way to deal with my emotions. Just let it be a smoldering, unquenched fire that burns in my belly. At least if I knew that’s what I felt then I could make a peace with it. But that isn’t true, so I don’t get the comfort.

While I knew beforehand that my direct competitor was going to be across the aisle from me, I was not prepared for the reality of the man who was my former employer, standing within that opposing booth. I hadn’t steeled myself for that. So when I saw him walking towards me, from the massive glass wall that framed the end of the trade show floor, my stomach gave a Herculean lurch that I almost wish hadn’t remained contained.

It was weird. Just plain, damn weird. I would like to use the word surreal, but that doesn’t really apply here. It just happened, and then it was gone. Which brings me to my earlier point about hating. At least if I just hated the man, then I’d have that with which I would have to live. But I don’t. I’ve tried to hate. I’ve tried hard. But I can’t hold it. It just won’t fit.

I’ve forgiven him. It would be easier to live my life if I didn’t but I’ve already done that. Which leaves me with the question why. But at the end of the day I don’t even need to know that. When he was standing there in front of me, smiling that open, free from pretension smile, I couldn’t help but admit that I’d let go any animosity about what happened.

Which moves us to Friday. On this august occasion I would be attending my very first Blades game as a patron, and not an employee in the building.

It was just plain, damn weird.
If I had to make an analogy that would explain what it felt like, I think it would be something like this:

Imagine what it would be like to be a baboon that was born into captivity. Your whole life you were in the cage, knew the cage, and never imagined you would ever be free of that cage. Then one day, when you didn’t expect it, after years and years on the inside, you were taken by the hand, led outside the walls, then left on your own. Imagine the shock and the wonder of being outside the bars. Imagine the sense of loneliness of not having those bars are your friend. It was like they kept you from your desire now, when it was before that it was supposed to be inhibiting.

It would have been surreal, if I hadn’t known all along that it was the truth. It hard to pretend it’s a dream (nightmare) when you’ve already pinched yourself to be sure its true.

So I walked around the building in the middle of an intermission. Not because I had to take something somewhere, but because the event was paused and I needed something to do. It kind of felt forced too. Like we all wanted it to be fun, but our real hope was that somehow we’d be let passed the steel bike rack and back to our home.

The velvet robe (steel bike rack) seems to change everything. When you’re on the inside, its like you’re part of something. It breaks down walls that otherwise exist. It changes the landscape.

The Blades won 3-2. I watched the game and cheered, enjoying the experience. But at the same time my heart lamented for something that was lost. I won’t feel the same about Credit Union Center anymore. I won’t call it regret. The real feeling will be somewhere between a lament and a longing.

Good bye old friend. Though we’ll still see each other from time to time, the bitter sting of a divorce will forever taint my heart.

Blog Song Of The Day:

Be Cool Yolanda - We No Speak Americano

What the hell is wrong with the Canadian Tire web-site? I have this idea to mount my USB hub out in front of the computer. Right now I'm thinking of sticking it to the side of a VCR. However to do this, I would need to find some good quality two-sided tape.

Where's the first place you think of, when you need something of a handy nature? Well Canadian Tire of course. They've got just about anything you could possibly think of, and a very, very in-depth web-site. I'll just fire up the old beast and do a quick search to find out how much two-sided tape is.

So I bring up the page and type 'tape' into the search box. I hit Search and wait for my answer.

What does my search return? An inflatable boat. How the HELL do you get a top result of 'boat' in return for a search for 'tape'???

Blog Song Of The Day:

Emily Osment - I Hate The Homecoming Queen

Who wants a pear?!?

And this isn't all of them. These are just the one's I RAKED up tonight. I picked about half a plastic tote worth of pears. It was hard to pick them. None of the pears have gotten really big. About 90% of them are golf ball sized. I was sorting through the tree looking for good one's and they would fall any time I brushed into the branches. Finally I gave up and picked from the one's on the ground. Then I gave up even that and just raked up the gargantuan mess of pears on the ground.

Blog Song Of The Day:

A Perfect Circle - Judith

Seriously people, we need to have a talk.

I never really noticed this before. Which isn't so odd because I wasn't in the position of power. But to see the scenario from the other side now, it just baffles me at the level of stupidity that some people show.

What's wrong with driver's? Maybe this makes me seem old but really it feels like everyone has gone absolutely loony on the road now. You get on the road and sometimes you're so baffled at the level of sheet stupidity that people are exhibiting that it makes you want to find a rock to hide under.

I'm driving home tonight, and I get to a stop light. I'm at the head of the lane so I'll get off the line first. On my left is a man who is clearly older than me, and some similarly aged passengers. The car is a green 4-door Plymouth. I'm not a car guy so I can't tell you the model. I just read Plymouth on the trunk.

Light turns green, I shift into first and pull away from the line. I'm shifting gears here, its not an automatic. Plus the clutch on my car is a bit of a pain in the ass so its easier to drive it hard off the line, to make shifting easier.

The yahoo in the lane next of me is racing me.

Let's examine this situation. Ford Mustang with a V8 engine and a relative low weight. Plymouth sedan with likely a V6 and a much less modest weight.

I'm not even trying to go fast. Like I mentioned earlier, its just easier to shift gears in this car if you punch the gas and ride the clutch out a bit. Yeah, you'll come off the line decently hard, but I'm not trying to set any speed records.

So we're zipping up the street. I'm not even attempting to go fast; this is just my normal take-off strategy for city streets. And this jack ass beside me appears to have the pedal to the floor so he can get ahead of me. Yes, a part of me thought about just dropping it back a gear, punching it, and making this retard understand just how stupid he was. But I go through the gears to get to third in about 4-5 seconds and I'm already at 80 on a 60 km/h street. I'm not such a tool that I gotta out run a 50 year old guy if this is how he reminds himself that he has a pair between his legs.

My point remains however. What the hell is wrong with some people?? A jackass in a beat-out Plymouth sedan is attempting to race a bona fide sports car. He's taking the speed well past the limit to prove exactly what? That he barely beat someone that wasn't even trying? Come on people! Let's stop the madness.

Stopping my Youtube video after its been playing for 15 seconds, so I can see a stupid cell phone commercial?

Really?

Come on Google!

Blog Song Of The Day:

Ice Cube - Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It

Blog Song Of The Day:

Ben Folds Five - Bitches Ain't Shit

Blog Song Of The Day:

A Perfect Circle - The Noose

Blog Song Of The Day:

Death Cab for Cutie - I'll Follow You Into The Dark

Blog Artist Of The Day

Hayley Legg

Blog Song Of The Day

Faith No More - Easy

Blog Song Of The Day:

Temple Of The Dog - Hunger Strike

Blog Song Of The Day:

Pearl Jam - Smile

Blog Song Of The Day:

Five Finger Death Punch - Bad Company

Blog Song Of The Day:

Rage Against the Machine - Killing In The Name Of

Blog Question Of The Day:

Have my chances to date Jennifer Love Hewitt improved at all since I last posed this question?

Blog Song Of The Day:

Ice Cube - No Vaseline

Thanks for coming everyone. Wow, it seems like we just started.

It was an entertaining ride, wasn't it? I think about it and its a little bit difficult to pull apart the first from the last. So many faces. I can't even put names to all of them, even though each one is etched on my mind.

That's pretty much all there is to it though, isn't it? A few wistful thoughts and a hug or two. We had fun, didn't we?

Please, can you get the lights when you leave?

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey

If the count of the letters in the name of your almighty drink of choice (its 7 for the people using their fingers) is HIGHER than your IQ, then you're probably drinking a Pilsner.

If the letters of the abbreviated nick-name for said drink (its down to 3 now brainiacs) is STILL greater than your IQ, then you're probably putting Clam in it.

There are a lot of beautiful women in the world . . .
None of whom will be getting with me . . .
Because I am seen only as a CHUD

I got a spam MSN message just now.  It said:

'Are you coming to see my hot cam' then a web address.  

I replied back:

'I'm blind'

Blog Question Of The Day:

Is it considered impolite to ask a girl if she'll make a sex tape with you?

They should NOT be allowed to put commercials ahead of videos on the Internet.

That is all.

Blog Rant of the Day:

I HATE CIALIS COMMERCIALS!!!!!

That is all.

Blog Song Of The Day:

My Darkest Days - Porn Star Dancing

Blog Question Of The Day:

Why is it that every direction I turn I seem to run smack into Journey?

I have a serious hate on for Safari 5.

Ever since I did the upgrade, my web browsing experience has been consistently abysmal. I frankly don't understand it. How hard can it be to render a web page? But Safari 5 has a problem with every bloody address that I send it to.

And probably the worst thing is that there appears to be no response at all to how awful Safari 5 is from Apple. I have searched for a fix to my problem and i can't find a thing. So my choice is to abandon Safari 5, or just put up with this horrible performance.

Hey Apple, wanna throw me a rope here?

I have come up with a sure fire idea for a reality show. Its so brilliant I know why someone hasn't thought of it already.

Every D list celebrity on the planet seems to think they should have a reality TV show. Okay, let's give them one, but on my show. D list celebrities are desperate to be on camera. Not every one can convince a stupid network executive to give them a show. But when I come calling, with a promise of an episode dedicated to them, a lot will jump at the chance.

The concept? I want to punch a celebrity in the face. Not just one celebrity, but a new one every week!

The basic premise will be, each week we meet a new celebrity. Let's say it one of the idiots from Jersey Shore, just because I hear about them on popular radio, but have never seen the stupid show. We'll get to know them, then see them training, and the half hour show will wrap up with me and them going at it in the boxing ring. The last shot of the week will be when I absolutely CLOCK this week's D list celebrity, full in the face!

I personally love it. Anyone else?

Stoning someone to death? Honestly? There's a country on this earth that is still doing this? I mean, execution for crimes is barbaric enough on its own but to do it by means of stoning? We're honestly supposed to take these people seriously when they're allowing their system of government to use a method such as this to commit an execution?

That said, I think Americans should pull back a bit on their righteous indignation. It has not been so long (cough, cough waterboarding) since they were using cruelty to achieve a purpose.

Does anyone else half-expect Rod Black to turn up as an announcer on this World Cup soccer coverage?

I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now

The Côte d'Ivoire goalie looks like a UPS driver.

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

Blog Question Of The Yesterday:

Should I buy new shoes?

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.

Girls:

No biker tattoos. Please?

That is all.

I think soccer could be immensely improved by the inclusion of 'delay of game' penalties.

Its weird to watch 'Clueless' and know that Brittany Murphy is dead.

I hate Air Canada!

I made an omelette!

Blog Question Of The Day:

Do you ever wish your life had a cheerleader?

Why do we get our insight from comedians, the court jesters of modern day, while our screaming zealotry comes from our leaders of politics and industry?

I am going to be straight up honest about something. I have NO idea what the hell I was talking about last night with all the jejunum's.

Blog Little Known Fact:

Definition of Jejunu

Jejunum: Part of the small intestine. It is half-way down the small intestine between its duodenum and ileum sections.

The term "jejunum" derives from the Latin "jejunus," which means "empty of food," "meager," or "hungry." The ancient Greeks noticed at death that this part of the intestine was always empty of food. Hence, the name the jejunum.

The Latin "jejunus" also gave rise to "jejune" means lacking in nutritive value and devoid of substance, significance or interest, that is dull. A jejune argument is one that is empty (like the jejunum) and totally devoid of interest.

I stole this from MedicineNet.com

Sooo. . . .

How's that May long weekend camping going?

If I ever make a Youtube video that is one image, or even a small collection of related images, all backed by the audio of a song by a popular artist, I hope someone will have the decency to put me out of my misery.

Its time for a rant.

What the Christ is wrong with people that post utterly useless shit on the internet? I mean, COME ON!

I'm chasing Alanis clips tonight (don't ask why because frankly I forget how i got on the topic). Anyway, I click the next video in the list for her song 'Uninvited'. It looks legitimate, as if its going to be concert footage.

Its the song, with a static image of Alanis in the video screen.

Why in the bloody hell are you wasting our lives with this complete horse shit!?! If I just click the next one in the list, its the legitimate video from whenever the hell the movie 'City of Angels' was in theatres. So if the honest video for the song is on Youtube, why are you wasting server space somewhere with a god damn recording of the audio, and a static fucking image?

Why?

WHY?

WHY!?!?!?!

Its not creative. Its not serving any useful purpose. It just exists to feed your pathetic, meaningless ideal that you're contributing to the global internet collective. You're not. You suck. Go curl up in a corner and wither away like you should be.

I just had a WTF moment.

I actually Bent my iron ring!!!

I wonder where you go to fix that? I squeezed it with a pair of pliers and it's at least semi-round again. But you can tell its out-of-round.

I'd do anything to have her to myself,
just to have her for myself.
Now I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.

She is everything to me, the unrequited dream,
the song that no one sings, the unattainable.
She's a myth that I have to believe in,
all I need to make it real is one more reason.

I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.

But I won't let this build up inside of me.

Blog Theme Of The Day:

Lesbians

When you eliminate all possibilities, whatever is left, no matter how improbable, must be the conclusion.

I hate the Lakers.

Blog Song(s) Of The Day:

Slipknot - Vermillion
Slipknot - Vermillion Pt. 2

I was sitting in the hot tub tonight, minding my own business when it occurred to me suddenly that,

I had gigantic, swollen balls!

I was in there about an hour and I had to drain them 4 times.

Blog Question Of The Day:

Are you supposed to call it a motor or an engine?

This one is for all you haters of metal music!

Wait and Bleed

They blew a 3-0 lead in what was, for them, a sudden death game.

Hey Blades management, listen up!

You just saw the reason no one comes out to Blades games anymore!!!

I try to pay attention.
Your words just disappear.

So I speak to you in riddles,
'Cause my words get in my way.

'Cause I can't take anymore of this,
I wanna come apart.

But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed.

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down

Why can't we not be sober?
I Just want to start this over.
Ah, why can't we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over.

Amazing! Its like I drew this.

I like how you'll be using a Mac, a new one from 2009 or equal, complete with the most modern version of the operating system (OS X 10.5) and sometimes, not very often at all but very, very occasionally, you'll make it do something that slows the whole thing down and Mac breaks out the old school 'wristwatch' icon to show that its busy, like it did back in the 1980's. :-)

Check it. Learn it. Live it.

Small my table, a-sets just two
Got so crowded, I can't make room
Oh, where did they come from? Stormed my room!
And you dare say it belongs to you - to you

This is not for you!
This is not for you!
This is not for you!

Bonehead Moment Of The Night:

Guy walks up to the bar. He purposefully stops, looks over my shoulder at the beer fridge. There is an obvious moment where he is surveying what is in the fridge (Great Western Light, Pilsner, Premium and Kokanee)

Guy looks at me and asks, 'Can I have a Coors Light?'

Doritos

How many nights you sit beside the phone?
What were the things you wanted for yourself
Teenage ambitions you'll remember well.

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
And there's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web, any size,
Catches thieves just like flies
Look Out!
Here comes the Spiderman.

Is he strong?
Listen bud,
He's got radioactive blood.
Can he swing from a thread
Take a look overhead
Hey, there
There goes the Spiderman.

In the chill of night
At the scene of a crime
Like a streak of light
He arrives just in time.

Spiderman, Spiderman
Friendly neighborhood Spiderman
Wealth and fame
He's ingnored
Action is his reward.

To him, life is a great big bang up
Whenever there's a hang up
You'll find the Spider man.

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again

I must have dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams

I remember long ago
When the sun was shining
And all the stars were bright all through the night
In the wake of this madness, as I held you tight
So long ago

And there's not much love to go round

I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore

I just want something
I just want something I can never have

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

I am not alive if I’m lonely
So please don’t leave
Was it something I said or just my personality

I'm a fist of rage.

What the fuck is this world running to? You didn't leave a message. At least I coulda' heard your voice one last time.

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why
Can't it be, can't it be mine?

Oops. I did it again.

Will Sidney Crosby be traded at the NHL deadline?

Stay tuned for further details . . .

Bloq Question Of The Day:

What would happen if you dissolved sugar into diet Coke?

So I did it.

I looked it up on the internet and it said that a regular Coke has 45 g of sugar in it. That didn’t sound like a horrifying number to me, but the web site I got it from seemed to think a person should fall down dying it.

Strange though, when I went to mix up the liquid. I figured that it would be best if I poured a liquid into a liquid, rather than try to dissolve sugar cubes into a cold Diet Coke. I did some math and a sugar cube is about 3.5 g each. So when you do the math, if you want 50 g in the solution, you need to dissolve 15 cubes. That’s a lot of sugar cubes!

I’m sure everyone knows that it’s easier to dissolve things with hot water, so I got 100 mL from the on-demand coffee maker thing we have here. Poured all the water into a pitcher (I used a graduated cylinder to measure the 100 mL) and then dumped in 15 sugar cubes. I was a little dubious about whether this was going to work because just sitting there, I didn’t see a lot of dissolving going on. But the internet said you could actually get 211 g into 100 mL of water, so I had some faith and starting swirling it around. Imagine my surprise when all the cubes disappeared!

Alright, I had 100 mL of sugar water, and I had a Diet Coke. I took a sample taste of each one, just for comparison reasons, and mixed them together. I tried my mixture. The warm sugar water made the mixture less than fridge cold, so I added a couple of ice cubes to make a tasty drink.

Honestly, it didn’t taste fully like a Coke, but it didn’t taste like Diet Coke anymore either. It was definitely not diet anymore. That metallic-like after-taste is completely gone. However, regular Coke tastes a bit syrupy and that element was missing from my concoction. It tastes like a less syrupy than usual Coke. I like it!

After less than exhaustive testing, I have decided that I prefer my orange drink un-carbonated.

I think its time to get serious about my plan to not be old anymore.

I remember seeing this:

Snowjob 96

After a day and a half of non-stop Metallica, from their album Death Magnetic, I have decided that my favorite song from the album is:

Metallica - All Nightmare Long

Now, I am become Grant, the destroyer of toilets.

Thus begins the tale of my red mittens . . .

I got an email from The Hudson Bay Company last week. I don't remember the exact text anymore but it was something to the effect of:

"Support your Olympic athletes! Go to Zellers and buy a pair of red Olympic mittens! Now only $10!"

It seemed like a good pitch to me. I like to be patriotic, Zellers is close to my house and $10 seemed like a good deal for mittens. I wasn't entirely convinced however so I thought I'd better consult my sister.

She said it was a good idea.

Thus began my quest for red mittens.

The weekend didn't go so well, with a headache crippling me on Saturday, and my Sunday consumed by a massive drafting project, and then the Super Bowl in the late afternoon to evening. Suffice it to say, there was no time for red mittens.

So Monday was my first real attempt to acquire my prized possession, the Olympic red mittens. However Monday did not follow my original plan either. When I left for work my windshield wiper went flying off. I needed a replacement, which had to come from Costco (accursed place) so it would match the one that stayed on. Long story short, I didn't drive for home until 6:00.

Unbeknownst to me, but apparently knownst to Zellers employees, the store now closes at 6:00 on Monday's and Tuesday's. Who's idea was that, and why wasn't I notified? Regardless of the specifics of the decision, the Olympic gear was on the north side of the door, and i was on the south, and a lock was preventing one from meeting the other.

So the goal of acquiring red Olympic mittens was delayed yet another day.

I knew what I was up against so I left work at 5:00 today, so I'd have ample time to shop for my mittens. I even got a good parking spot in front of Zellers so the walk through the wind chill was minor. The doors opened before me, and within seconds I was in the Olympic apparel section of Zellers, which was conveniently right in front of the door.

What was not conveniently in the Olympic apparel section of the Lawson Heights Zellers were any god damn red Olympic mittens! So a quest that had been consuming me for 5 days will continue on further. I am left with only one question.

Where can I find some red Olympic mittens!?!

This is an honest, from the heart statement I am about to make. Even though I'm sure it will sound like a joke. (something for which this blog is well renowned)

If anyone can get a message to Erin Carmody of Team PEI, please tell her that I am willing to marry her, despite having never met in person.

However, its disappointing when later she says:

Its gotta be full eight.

I love it when a woman screams:

Hurry Hard!!! Its a tight hole!!

The official music video for the song "Snuff" by Slipknot sucks HARD.

A few reflections on humanity after visiting Xel'Ha today:

Its really no wonder that the rest of the world has little use for white people. We are, in the greater preponderance of numbers, a race of: fat, stupid, lazy, ignorant bastards who will ignore nearly every rule and cultural nicety, and generally take a big dump on something that is pure, and beautiful.

If you are at ALL uncertain about whether you should be wearing a thong/bikini can you PLEASE ask someone who's opinion you value and trust about wearing it in public, before going out? I think I almost went blind seeing that.

And this one goes out to the particularly vain white women out there:
If you really think that breast implants are going to significantly enhance your appearance, can you at least have the common, god damn decency to wear a bikini that hides the bloody scars from surgery!?!

For Sale:

One iPod 64 GB edition

cheap

iTunes is a dirty, ditch licking whore.

My afternoon was crashing and burning but this totally brightened things up!!!

Vajazzling

Now these guys are hardcore!!

Hardcore Gamers

I have an idea . . .

Why don't we stop in the narrowest part of the upper concourse, where the width available is approximately 6 feet, and it has the happy coincidence of being right in front of the elevator? Why don't we just stop and have a completely banal conversation about absolutely NOTHING!!!!

Doesn't that sound like a good, god damn idea!?!

So I go to bed tonight, feeling rather sleepy. I've got absent thoughts on my mind but nothing of much consequence. I look at the clock when I decide its time to retire and it spoke back to me that it was 12:48 AM. That seems like a reasonable time to call it a night.

So I'm lying in bed, just thinking casual thoughts. To think of anything more than that would just keep me awake, and that is not my goal on this evening.

But I keep hearing this sound. And I'm not going to pretend that it sounded like anything else. It sounded like someone's boot crunching in the show.

At one point I hear this loud thump, and it really seems like the foundations of my house have been rumbled, by something strong, and deep and powerful. One of those moments like when a garbage truck rumbles down the street, or a snow plow pushes a big load of snow into a pile formed on something hard and concrete.

This sound just keeps going on and on. A few crunches of snow, or so it seems and then silence again. Crunch, crunch, crunch and then nothing. In my paranoia and my anxiety I become convinced that someone is stumbling around the front of my house, trying to decide the best way to break in.

Do I get up and put my fears to rest? Do I dismiss the thoughts as foolish and try to get to sleep?

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

Finally I can no longer take it. Plus I had to go to the bathroom now. I get up. I go downstairs to the living room window and look for this snow crunching assailant that has ruined my night's sleep.

The time on the clock at my disposal reads a cool, crisp 1:21 AM. At first I see nothing, but that's because I'm looking in the bushes in front of my house, and there was never anyone there.

No, what has kept me up for going on towards 45 minutes now, is some ASSHOLE shovelling his bloody, god damn driveway at 1:30 in the blasted morning!!!

As I was driving away from the arena tonight, after Team Canada beat the Americans in over-time, and we all busted our asses to serve the crowd, I realized how I could have made a boat load of money.

There were 15,000+ people in that building tonight. Nearly all of them will have gotten to the game in a car. Those cars were spread across probably 100 acres, with temporary lots dotting the landscape all around.

As I was sitting, waiting for my frozen thunder-truck to reach some semblance of heated, I took note of the outside air temperature. It was being reported to me as -31 C.

I bet I could have sold rides to people's cars, in a warm cab, for $20 per trip easily.