I have to tell you this story. I have to tell you this story because its just so . . . damn . . . sad.

I bought an air conditioner last spring. It was a big 10,000 BTU bastard, complete with a remote. It was going to make my house frigid. But just about the same time I got this great idea I should buy a house, and stop paying rent all the time. Which seemed like a good idea at the time but has since proven to be untrue. But I digress . . .

So now its a year later and I don't want it anymore. I have no house to install it in, and when I do buy a house, its damn well going to have central air conditioning, because I don't do this, swelter for the character of it thing. I've got lots enough character from all the other burdens I carry. But I digress . . .

What to do with the air conditioner? Well, I bought it at Wal-Mart. Let's see if I can return it. So we drive off to Wal-Mart to see if they'll take it back.

Not being stupid, I go up to customer service with my reciept first, because I'm not carrying this heavy bastard into the store, only to find out they won't take it back. That would be stupid. So we enter into negotiations with the well meaning, but otherwise inept girl at the customer service desk. I know they try but they've obviously been imbued with NO authority, so it makes you wonder why they have to man the counter that needs a decision to be made, in almost all cases. But I digress. . .

It took calling some managers but they concede that yes, if everything is on the level, they can probably take it back and refund my money. Oh goodie! So I go get the air conditioner from the truck and haul it in to be inspected. One of the stipulations was that it had to be as I said, unopened and unused.

This is where it gets stupid.

To verify that the air conditioner is unused, they have to open the crate. Keep in mind that the box is obviously untainted from when I picked it up in the store. The original tape remains on the seams. The UPC sticker is still in place. The damn thing is virgin. But her manager has told this girl that she is supposed to open the box and make sure everything is intact.

So she does.

What does she find in the box? Manual is still its plastic sheath. The remote still has the plastic sticker on the buttons. The free batteries for the remote are still shrink-wrapped. The styrofoam packing has not been disturbed and clings tenaciously to the air conditioner itself. After much discussion with another, equally clueless Wal-Mart employee, they agree that they have to take the actual air conditioner OUT of the box to inspect it. Keep in mind that everything up to this point has been absolutely VIRGIN in the box. So these two girls struggle and fuss, because this unit has never been out of the box and is stuck to the tightly packed styrofoam. So finally its out and they set it on the counter.

We're not done yet.

Having gone through that entire ordeal, they now concur that to follow their managers orders, they need to get a second air conditioner off the shelf, open it, and verify that everything in the box off the shelf, is identical to what they've just opened in the box I brought in. So the entire ordeal is repeated a SECOND time, complete with fussing with styrofoam, and two woman trying to manhandle a very heavy, unwieldy electrical device.

Conclusion? The two air conditioners are identical. I get my refund.

So what was accomplished? As I see it, only one purpose was truly served by this idiotic procession. Some $9.00 a hour Wal-Mart night manager has proceeded to make damaged stock out of what were otherwise completely factory perfect air conditioner packages. All this Captain Wizard would have needed to do was wheel my box out onto the floor and put it next to the other air conditioners. The next time it was 30 C it would have disappeared from the shelf with no one the wiser for its 1 year vacation in Watson.