I'm not quite sure what to do with this emotion. I'm going to kick it around for a couple of paragraphs and see if I can't find some kind peace.
Someone accused me of not doing my job. That stung, a lot. Lately I've been pouring myself into my work. Ten and twelve hour days, until I simply can't think anymore, and have to rest. I work on weekends. I take calls when I'm out of the office. I try to fix problems when I'm not in the same country. I am trying to do everything at once, and make everyone happy, all the time.
Increasingly I am finding that I simply haven't the resources to satisfy everyone. I am being forced to accept that some people are going to be mad at me. This is proving difficult to swallow. I lust for approval from others. Through the whole of my life, my actions have been largely based on the principle of getting people to like me. I've never really felt wanted, despite the fact that I am wanted, by many people, for many reasons. I'm just never satisfied. Its a self perpetuating cycle of getting praise or acceptance, and wanting it more with each action. Everything becomes this uncontrollable maelstrom that does not cease until I punt it in spectacular fashion, and lose everyone except the most near, and the most dear.
Am I trying to do too much? I don't know. I think I need an outside perspective on this because my inner notion is to double up my efforts, and try even harder than I am now. This will undoubtably lead to yet another breakdown, and the real possibility exists that I'll screw over my entire existence, yet again, and have to start over. I don't know if I can start over again. I've been to the end of the rope a number of times in my adult life. I'm not sure I can pick up again for attempt number seven.
So what to do? A hundred people want a thousand things from me. The barrage keeps coming, with no abatement. I'm tired now. The tremors have returned, signalling the early beginning of a slide into disaster. Its July right now. Where am I going to find the necessary time to save myself? I just acquired two new projects, and have an intriguing possibility on my desk. I need to relax, and clear my head. I need to believe. I need faith. But that portion of my mind and my soul, have been empty, for far too long a period of time.
So what to do? Mostly I'm just babbling right now, so the torments in my head, have some way of escaping, rather than churn my gut, and burn my soul. I expect no answer. I need no reply. Thank you for listening, all of you that are. To know you are out there, helps me greatly.
Later . . .
Friday, July 23, 2004
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Grant's Restaurant Review:
I'm not much of one for restaurant eating. Due to my lack of social grace, it is not often that I have a companion who could go with me on a restuarant excursion. Or perhaps it is not a lack of social grace that causes my situation, but perhaps only a lack of courage. One way or the other, I don't fine dine very regularly.
Thus I find myself doing the fast food thing, more often than not. When I'm 'on the road' the easiest thing to do is get fast-food or take-out an camp out in the hotel room. Plus, when you're on the road you know you'll be alone, so fast food is the least lonely choice.
You gotta stay away from the burgers though. At least I do. Enough of that kind of food, and my stomach wages an all out civil war with me. Its not pretty. I try to mix it up, to confuse and befuddle my meddlesome purge reaction. A pizza, a sub, maybe a hamburger. Taco Bell when I can find it. The Subway sandwich (thank you Christiane and Melissa) has become a leading contender for my food purchasing dollar. I like that option. Its not grease, which aids in my digestion, and retention of the consumed food.
I don't often have restuarant food in Watson. Truthfully, I just don't trust it. All the places offering food in this town are not providing the visual cues I need to feel comfortable about making that food choice. In a word, they look 'ratty'. Especially the Quick Stop. It is this little dump of a building, directly across the street from the office. I look at it a thousand a day out my office window. I've been spending some long hours in the office this week and at the end of the effort, I'm not enthusiastic about going home and trying to find something appealing in the fridge. My bigger problem is, I'm working 10-12 hours a day, and the only thing I do that could be described as 'fun' is eating. Something out of the freezer, put in the microwave, does not stimulate my fun button.
So, I've been getting take-out from the Quick Stop. Now, the name of this establishment will trigger some smiles in those of my readers that are well versed in the lore of Jay and Silent Bob. (hi Sean) This Quick Stop is nothing like that Quick Stop. However, distinguishable about the Watson Quick Stop is the general run-down nature of the building. It looks like a greasy shack. It doesn't inspire confidence. But, my dad and I tried it, when he came to Watson to golf with me, and I have to say that it was pretty good. I kept that in mind as I wandered in there a couple times this week.
The burgers are phenomenal. I can't say enough good things about the cow sandwich. The fries may have had a bit too much seasoning salt on them. This made them tangy, which isn't bad, but seemed a little over the top. The burgers were top notch though. I would definitely recommend them. So, should the Gamefest Crew ever return to Watson, I think we should all give the Quick Stop a try, and we can compare notes.
So, this was a long entry about nothing. Sorry about that. I'm feeling social tonight, and there's no one on MSN. So I'll chat with my blog. Thanks for listening!!
Toodles!
I'm not much of one for restaurant eating. Due to my lack of social grace, it is not often that I have a companion who could go with me on a restuarant excursion. Or perhaps it is not a lack of social grace that causes my situation, but perhaps only a lack of courage. One way or the other, I don't fine dine very regularly.
Thus I find myself doing the fast food thing, more often than not. When I'm 'on the road' the easiest thing to do is get fast-food or take-out an camp out in the hotel room. Plus, when you're on the road you know you'll be alone, so fast food is the least lonely choice.
You gotta stay away from the burgers though. At least I do. Enough of that kind of food, and my stomach wages an all out civil war with me. Its not pretty. I try to mix it up, to confuse and befuddle my meddlesome purge reaction. A pizza, a sub, maybe a hamburger. Taco Bell when I can find it. The Subway sandwich (thank you Christiane and Melissa) has become a leading contender for my food purchasing dollar. I like that option. Its not grease, which aids in my digestion, and retention of the consumed food.
I don't often have restuarant food in Watson. Truthfully, I just don't trust it. All the places offering food in this town are not providing the visual cues I need to feel comfortable about making that food choice. In a word, they look 'ratty'. Especially the Quick Stop. It is this little dump of a building, directly across the street from the office. I look at it a thousand a day out my office window. I've been spending some long hours in the office this week and at the end of the effort, I'm not enthusiastic about going home and trying to find something appealing in the fridge. My bigger problem is, I'm working 10-12 hours a day, and the only thing I do that could be described as 'fun' is eating. Something out of the freezer, put in the microwave, does not stimulate my fun button.
So, I've been getting take-out from the Quick Stop. Now, the name of this establishment will trigger some smiles in those of my readers that are well versed in the lore of Jay and Silent Bob. (hi Sean) This Quick Stop is nothing like that Quick Stop. However, distinguishable about the Watson Quick Stop is the general run-down nature of the building. It looks like a greasy shack. It doesn't inspire confidence. But, my dad and I tried it, when he came to Watson to golf with me, and I have to say that it was pretty good. I kept that in mind as I wandered in there a couple times this week.
The burgers are phenomenal. I can't say enough good things about the cow sandwich. The fries may have had a bit too much seasoning salt on them. This made them tangy, which isn't bad, but seemed a little over the top. The burgers were top notch though. I would definitely recommend them. So, should the Gamefest Crew ever return to Watson, I think we should all give the Quick Stop a try, and we can compare notes.
So, this was a long entry about nothing. Sorry about that. I'm feeling social tonight, and there's no one on MSN. So I'll chat with my blog. Thanks for listening!!
Toodles!
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Okay people, we have to talk about this.
What is the deal with releasing TV shows on DVD? I'm not opposed to the concept. There are some shows that are 'classic' enough that we deserve the opportunity to acquire DVD copies of them, for future enjoyment. What is baffling me is, this trend towards releasing EVERYTHING on DVD.
For reasons I won't go into here, I happened to be looking on Future Shop site tonight for new, or soon to be released, DVD's. In my search I came across the fact that they are releasing 'Boy Meets World' on DVD.
Boy Meets World!?! Are you serious? Yes, the show had the occasional moment. And yes, Topanga was hot, but good grief! This show was hardly classic. And it certainly wasn't good, by an objective review of its merit. At best it was pandering to teenage idolatry. It does not deserve to be on DVD. Nor does Saved By The Bell, which I noticed on the Future Shop stores shelves, on one of my visits to that store. In fact, Saved By The Bell is an even more egregious travesty. That show SUCKED!!! I can say that, while fully admitting I used to watch it faithfully. But again, it was pseudo-porn for kids that couldn't get real porn. Guys could fawn of Kelly Kapowski, and then 'need a moment'. I suppose girls might have gone for Zack or A.C. God help them if Screech turned their crank. The production value was brutal, in either instance. Please, spare us from such ill advised releases.
But I suppose, its cheap revenue. The shows are not in production anymore, and the likelihood is, the principals of the show see little or no cut if more money is made in DVD sales. If you're a fat cat Hollywood type, why not release something with a cult following on DVD. The fanboys will probably buy it, and at least insure that the adventure does not lose money.
Still, I wish they'd consider these things from a cultural perspective. Do we really want future generations to find out that we were entertained by something so vacuous?
I'm out.
What is the deal with releasing TV shows on DVD? I'm not opposed to the concept. There are some shows that are 'classic' enough that we deserve the opportunity to acquire DVD copies of them, for future enjoyment. What is baffling me is, this trend towards releasing EVERYTHING on DVD.
For reasons I won't go into here, I happened to be looking on Future Shop site tonight for new, or soon to be released, DVD's. In my search I came across the fact that they are releasing 'Boy Meets World' on DVD.
Boy Meets World!?! Are you serious? Yes, the show had the occasional moment. And yes, Topanga was hot, but good grief! This show was hardly classic. And it certainly wasn't good, by an objective review of its merit. At best it was pandering to teenage idolatry. It does not deserve to be on DVD. Nor does Saved By The Bell, which I noticed on the Future Shop stores shelves, on one of my visits to that store. In fact, Saved By The Bell is an even more egregious travesty. That show SUCKED!!! I can say that, while fully admitting I used to watch it faithfully. But again, it was pseudo-porn for kids that couldn't get real porn. Guys could fawn of Kelly Kapowski, and then 'need a moment'. I suppose girls might have gone for Zack or A.C. God help them if Screech turned their crank. The production value was brutal, in either instance. Please, spare us from such ill advised releases.
But I suppose, its cheap revenue. The shows are not in production anymore, and the likelihood is, the principals of the show see little or no cut if more money is made in DVD sales. If you're a fat cat Hollywood type, why not release something with a cult following on DVD. The fanboys will probably buy it, and at least insure that the adventure does not lose money.
Still, I wish they'd consider these things from a cultural perspective. Do we really want future generations to find out that we were entertained by something so vacuous?
I'm out.
I'm pretty sure I've blogged about this before. However, it is not a situation that has rectified itself, in the fullness of time, so I'm going to blog about it, again!
What's the deal with putting the good show on at lunch, and absolutely NOTHING at 8:00 in the evening when I finally have time to watch them!?! I hate that. At the end of a day I don't have a boat load of ambition left. Frankly, most nights I don't want to do anything more than lie on my couch, and let the world entertain me. And the sick thing is, the world seems totally uninterested in providing me entertainment.
Am I asking too much? Do I need to find my own entertainment, or should life provide it to me, for free? Thoughts?
What's the deal with putting the good show on at lunch, and absolutely NOTHING at 8:00 in the evening when I finally have time to watch them!?! I hate that. At the end of a day I don't have a boat load of ambition left. Frankly, most nights I don't want to do anything more than lie on my couch, and let the world entertain me. And the sick thing is, the world seems totally uninterested in providing me entertainment.
Am I asking too much? Do I need to find my own entertainment, or should life provide it to me, for free? Thoughts?
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Another exhausting day in the life of a water treatment engineer.
On a positive note, I secured another project for the company. I feel pretty good about that. Granted, I didn't pour my heart and soul into it, like I did for the project in Manitoba, but we got it, and that's nice. Make a couple bucks and get something for our, less skilled, technicians to develop their talent. It will work nicely.
Besides that, I was managing about 6 other projects, listening to staff complaints and trying to put that back together. Its hard to get much constructive done when you spend your whole day talking to people. Which is a weird scenario for me to find myself in because I am not really a talker. But I must be doing something right, if we're making all this money.
Thanks for listening people. I appreciate this soap box to speak from.
Toodles!!
On a positive note, I secured another project for the company. I feel pretty good about that. Granted, I didn't pour my heart and soul into it, like I did for the project in Manitoba, but we got it, and that's nice. Make a couple bucks and get something for our, less skilled, technicians to develop their talent. It will work nicely.
Besides that, I was managing about 6 other projects, listening to staff complaints and trying to put that back together. Its hard to get much constructive done when you spend your whole day talking to people. Which is a weird scenario for me to find myself in because I am not really a talker. But I must be doing something right, if we're making all this money.
Thanks for listening people. I appreciate this soap box to speak from.
Toodles!!