I'm not quite sure what to do with this emotion. I'm going to kick it around for a couple of paragraphs and see if I can't find some kind peace.

Someone accused me of not doing my job. That stung, a lot. Lately I've been pouring myself into my work. Ten and twelve hour days, until I simply can't think anymore, and have to rest. I work on weekends. I take calls when I'm out of the office. I try to fix problems when I'm not in the same country. I am trying to do everything at once, and make everyone happy, all the time.

Increasingly I am finding that I simply haven't the resources to satisfy everyone. I am being forced to accept that some people are going to be mad at me. This is proving difficult to swallow. I lust for approval from others. Through the whole of my life, my actions have been largely based on the principle of getting people to like me. I've never really felt wanted, despite the fact that I am wanted, by many people, for many reasons. I'm just never satisfied. Its a self perpetuating cycle of getting praise or acceptance, and wanting it more with each action. Everything becomes this uncontrollable maelstrom that does not cease until I punt it in spectacular fashion, and lose everyone except the most near, and the most dear.

Am I trying to do too much? I don't know. I think I need an outside perspective on this because my inner notion is to double up my efforts, and try even harder than I am now. This will undoubtably lead to yet another breakdown, and the real possibility exists that I'll screw over my entire existence, yet again, and have to start over. I don't know if I can start over again. I've been to the end of the rope a number of times in my adult life. I'm not sure I can pick up again for attempt number seven.

So what to do? A hundred people want a thousand things from me. The barrage keeps coming, with no abatement. I'm tired now. The tremors have returned, signalling the early beginning of a slide into disaster. Its July right now. Where am I going to find the necessary time to save myself? I just acquired two new projects, and have an intriguing possibility on my desk. I need to relax, and clear my head. I need to believe. I need faith. But that portion of my mind and my soul, have been empty, for far too long a period of time.

So what to do? Mostly I'm just babbling right now, so the torments in my head, have some way of escaping, rather than churn my gut, and burn my soul. I expect no answer. I need no reply. Thank you for listening, all of you that are. To know you are out there, helps me greatly.

Later . . .