I find myself in a mode of re-evaluation again. I had something said to me that, was a conclusion which I could have come to on my own. However I had not, and the frankness with which it was presented was a little startling. Now I sit here in my chair, thinking about all the ways in which things are not right.

To anyone that knows me it will not come as a surprise to hear that I hate doctors. But I've gotten myself into a conundrum where I they have become absolutely vital to my continued survival, because continuing on the course which I am on will lead only to ruin. So while I hate them, I need them, so I went to another one today. This was a new one. I had never seen this guy before and before long my distaste for medicine spilled out and this guy called me on it.

He pointed out that my bitterness and contempt with doctors may be preventing me from getting the kind of compassionate care that I desperately crave.

This points me in an awkward frame of mind. It is not the first time in recent weeks that a commentary has been made on my general negative state of mind. In fact, it is becoming something of a running theme. But for an outside observer to comment that I have lousy attitude is a far easier thing to do than for me to realize it in myself and change it. Nonetheless I have noticed that I take a dim view on life these days but that realization alone is not enough to fix the problem.

I just find it perplexing that so many people around me can notice me drowning in, whatever it is that is attempting the swallow me, and yet I can't reach up for the surface. I just sink, further and further beneath the waves of it, until light ceases to penetrate the depths and there is only the inky blackness.