This whole adventure has been to get myself to a place that is more positive, and more confident. Every one of these blog posts that have been going on for months, have been centred on this over-riding goal to just "Be Better."
I have every reason to be engulfed by that mantra. I just played an incredible soccer game. I was fast, and on target. I had a goal, an assist, and almost had two more goals. Not gifts either, of being fortuitously in the right place at the right time. I actually ran to a spot and made myself available to get a pass, and score a goal.
On top of that I fed my passion, which has become fitness and sports. I did a morning workout, with my leg routine. I cut all of my grass. I went for a 50 minute, 14 kilometre bike ride. I followed that with some reading to enhance my mind, and spent an enjoyable 30 minutes in my hot tub. Still not giving up I went and practiced soccer for 50 minutes after finishing watching Hamilton dismantle Montreal in a CFL game. To get "up" for the soccer game I peddled 15 minutes on the stationary bike while I finished my chapter in "The New Male Sexuality". I had an awesome day.
So why do I dread going to sleep now? I dread it because I know the morning will come and everything I've built in this day, will disappear like Drew Barrymore's memory in "50 First Dates." I will wake up in the morning hating life and wanting to just stay in bed.
That's not what I want. My consciousness does not agree with my brain and I'm fighting a bitter war for control. I have done all that I've done for it to be additive, resulting in a mind, body and being that is just "better". But something is in the way. Its not building. My body still changes, and I ritualistically brutalize it with more and more exertion without end. The weight does not disappear anymore, like it did last summer/fall. But now I'm remoulding and reshaping. I look different then I did before.
But my mind resists my efforts. My efforts are not building upon each other. There are minor, incremental improvements. I have become a "glass half full" person but the systemic advancement that I hoped would accrue, as I began all these mind modification challenges in January, has not resulted. It feels like I'm actually regressing, and I'm losing my positivity edge.
Why do I write this? What I have found is that my struggles, when left internal, eat at me, my success and my confidence eroded to the base. Were I a stronger person, I would find a friend to listen to me, and talk my way out of the malaise. But one of the symptoms of my distress is an inability to express my deep fears and desires. So I huddle with them in the shadows, until they become my only confidante.
This is cheating, in a way. Just writing them down in a empty blog post, such that someone might read. But I want to get back to my improvements. I need to change. I've seen the greener pasture and I want across this fence. I need to do something so I'll try this.
Until then, I remain . . .
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