Do you know what really grinds my gears?

I’m playing EA hockey on my Playstation Portable today at lunch. It took me a whopping 6 minutes to eat my sandwich, banana and granola bar, so I had time to kill. What’s easier to play in 20 minutes than a game of hockey? Nothing I could think of, so I fire up the game.

I set it to Edmonton versus Carolina. I believe that’s the default when you load it up, because they were the finalists from the version of the game that I own. I made the mistake of not flipping the teams to make Edmonton home. Thus I had to play the whole game going down the ice, instead of up, which I would prefer.

Despite that layout anomaly, I was owning the Hurricanes. It wasn’t even close. It was 17-5 in shots after two periods, and I had a 2-0 lead. They couldn’t even get over my blue-line to get a shot. I won the opening face-off of the third period, drove into their end, and after junking it up on the boards for awhile, I popped a third goal into their net. 3-0 for Edmonton, 18 minutes and changes to play. (I had it set for 5 minute (real-time) periods) So realistically, there wasn’t much game for them to make a come-back.

So the first thing that happens is on the ensuing face-off at center ice, the computer wins it, dekes past my centerman, and pops off a shot at the blue line, with a defenseman all over him. Guess what happens? Of course, he scores on that crummy shot. There is no way a professional goalie, even a bad one, gives up that goal in real life, in a real game, with 18 minutes and change to play. It just doesn’t happen.

Game resumes and I’m all over them again. I drive into their end like I have a dozen times already. But now I can’t get a shot to the net. They are blocking everything or tying up my wingers so I can’t get a one-timer off. So I’ll skate in, pass, and either get a weak shot, or no shot, and the puck ends up in the corner. They drive out, my defensemen knock them down at the blue-line, and the cycle repeats itself.

So we get to the 12 minute mark and they drive into my end. My defensemen are on them, and there’s no shot. Their guy passes it from beside the net, all the way back to the right defense. (I know, WTF!?!). My computer guy jumps on him right away. Nevertheless he gets off a weak shot from there, with a guy on him. Goalie misses it, now its 3-2. What In The F is going on!?!

Now I’m going hard on defense because it’s clear the game is rigged. I win face-offs, skate deep into my end, make them chase me, and then do a rush. It’s harder to deke in their end so I’m losing the puck a lot when I get there. So I start shooting. That’s a mistake. 3 minutes to go they get the puck on the right, pass to an open guy on the left. He shoots from just inside the blue line and they score again, on another piece of junk shot. Now its TIED!

I won’t bore you with the details. We go to over-time. They get the puck in my end. There is a huge pile in front of the goal. Their guy shoots the puck and it makes it over this mess and goes in the top corner. The physics of the shot were completely impossible. Nevertheless because the computer cheats I went from winning 3-0, to losing 4-3 in overtime.

It makes a guy want to quit gaming altogether. Maybe I should take up knitting.