Blog Song Of The Day:

Five Finger Death Punch - Bad Company

Blog Song Of The Day:

Rage Against the Machine - Killing In The Name Of

Blog Question Of The Day:

Have my chances to date Jennifer Love Hewitt improved at all since I last posed this question?

Blog Song Of The Day:

Ice Cube - No Vaseline

Thanks for coming everyone. Wow, it seems like we just started.

It was an entertaining ride, wasn't it? I think about it and its a little bit difficult to pull apart the first from the last. So many faces. I can't even put names to all of them, even though each one is etched on my mind.

That's pretty much all there is to it though, isn't it? A few wistful thoughts and a hug or two. We had fun, didn't we?

Please, can you get the lights when you leave?

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey

If the count of the letters in the name of your almighty drink of choice (its 7 for the people using their fingers) is HIGHER than your IQ, then you're probably drinking a Pilsner.

If the letters of the abbreviated nick-name for said drink (its down to 3 now brainiacs) is STILL greater than your IQ, then you're probably putting Clam in it.

There are a lot of beautiful women in the world . . .
None of whom will be getting with me . . .
Because I am seen only as a CHUD

I got a spam MSN message just now.  It said:

'Are you coming to see my hot cam' then a web address.  

I replied back:

'I'm blind'

Blog Question Of The Day:

Is it considered impolite to ask a girl if she'll make a sex tape with you?

They should NOT be allowed to put commercials ahead of videos on the Internet.

That is all.

Blog Rant of the Day:

I HATE CIALIS COMMERCIALS!!!!!

That is all.

Blog Song Of The Day:

My Darkest Days - Porn Star Dancing

Blog Question Of The Day:

Why is it that every direction I turn I seem to run smack into Journey?

I have a serious hate on for Safari 5.

Ever since I did the upgrade, my web browsing experience has been consistently abysmal. I frankly don't understand it. How hard can it be to render a web page? But Safari 5 has a problem with every bloody address that I send it to.

And probably the worst thing is that there appears to be no response at all to how awful Safari 5 is from Apple. I have searched for a fix to my problem and i can't find a thing. So my choice is to abandon Safari 5, or just put up with this horrible performance.

Hey Apple, wanna throw me a rope here?

I have come up with a sure fire idea for a reality show. Its so brilliant I know why someone hasn't thought of it already.

Every D list celebrity on the planet seems to think they should have a reality TV show. Okay, let's give them one, but on my show. D list celebrities are desperate to be on camera. Not every one can convince a stupid network executive to give them a show. But when I come calling, with a promise of an episode dedicated to them, a lot will jump at the chance.

The concept? I want to punch a celebrity in the face. Not just one celebrity, but a new one every week!

The basic premise will be, each week we meet a new celebrity. Let's say it one of the idiots from Jersey Shore, just because I hear about them on popular radio, but have never seen the stupid show. We'll get to know them, then see them training, and the half hour show will wrap up with me and them going at it in the boxing ring. The last shot of the week will be when I absolutely CLOCK this week's D list celebrity, full in the face!

I personally love it. Anyone else?

Stoning someone to death? Honestly? There's a country on this earth that is still doing this? I mean, execution for crimes is barbaric enough on its own but to do it by means of stoning? We're honestly supposed to take these people seriously when they're allowing their system of government to use a method such as this to commit an execution?

That said, I think Americans should pull back a bit on their righteous indignation. It has not been so long (cough, cough waterboarding) since they were using cruelty to achieve a purpose.

Does anyone else half-expect Rod Black to turn up as an announcer on this World Cup soccer coverage?

I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now

The Côte d'Ivoire goalie looks like a UPS driver.

I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
Right at you

Blog Question Of The Yesterday:

Should I buy new shoes?

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.

Girls:

No biker tattoos. Please?

That is all.

I think soccer could be immensely improved by the inclusion of 'delay of game' penalties.

Its weird to watch 'Clueless' and know that Brittany Murphy is dead.

I hate Air Canada!

I made an omelette!

Blog Question Of The Day:

Do you ever wish your life had a cheerleader?

Why do we get our insight from comedians, the court jesters of modern day, while our screaming zealotry comes from our leaders of politics and industry?

I am going to be straight up honest about something. I have NO idea what the hell I was talking about last night with all the jejunum's.

Blog Little Known Fact:

Definition of Jejunu

Jejunum: Part of the small intestine. It is half-way down the small intestine between its duodenum and ileum sections.

The term "jejunum" derives from the Latin "jejunus," which means "empty of food," "meager," or "hungry." The ancient Greeks noticed at death that this part of the intestine was always empty of food. Hence, the name the jejunum.

The Latin "jejunus" also gave rise to "jejune" means lacking in nutritive value and devoid of substance, significance or interest, that is dull. A jejune argument is one that is empty (like the jejunum) and totally devoid of interest.

I stole this from MedicineNet.com

Sooo. . . .

How's that May long weekend camping going?

If I ever make a Youtube video that is one image, or even a small collection of related images, all backed by the audio of a song by a popular artist, I hope someone will have the decency to put me out of my misery.

Its time for a rant.

What the Christ is wrong with people that post utterly useless shit on the internet? I mean, COME ON!

I'm chasing Alanis clips tonight (don't ask why because frankly I forget how i got on the topic). Anyway, I click the next video in the list for her song 'Uninvited'. It looks legitimate, as if its going to be concert footage.

Its the song, with a static image of Alanis in the video screen.

Why in the bloody hell are you wasting our lives with this complete horse shit!?! If I just click the next one in the list, its the legitimate video from whenever the hell the movie 'City of Angels' was in theatres. So if the honest video for the song is on Youtube, why are you wasting server space somewhere with a god damn recording of the audio, and a static fucking image?

Why?

WHY?

WHY!?!?!?!

Its not creative. Its not serving any useful purpose. It just exists to feed your pathetic, meaningless ideal that you're contributing to the global internet collective. You're not. You suck. Go curl up in a corner and wither away like you should be.

I just had a WTF moment.

I actually Bent my iron ring!!!

I wonder where you go to fix that? I squeezed it with a pair of pliers and it's at least semi-round again. But you can tell its out-of-round.

I'd do anything to have her to myself,
just to have her for myself.
Now I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.

She is everything to me, the unrequited dream,
the song that no one sings, the unattainable.
She's a myth that I have to believe in,
all I need to make it real is one more reason.

I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do
When she makes me sad.

But I won't let this build up inside of me.

Blog Theme Of The Day:

Lesbians

When you eliminate all possibilities, whatever is left, no matter how improbable, must be the conclusion.

I hate the Lakers.

Blog Song(s) Of The Day:

Slipknot - Vermillion
Slipknot - Vermillion Pt. 2

I was sitting in the hot tub tonight, minding my own business when it occurred to me suddenly that,

I had gigantic, swollen balls!

I was in there about an hour and I had to drain them 4 times.

Blog Question Of The Day:

Are you supposed to call it a motor or an engine?

This one is for all you haters of metal music!

Wait and Bleed

They blew a 3-0 lead in what was, for them, a sudden death game.

Hey Blades management, listen up!

You just saw the reason no one comes out to Blades games anymore!!!

I try to pay attention.
Your words just disappear.

So I speak to you in riddles,
'Cause my words get in my way.

'Cause I can't take anymore of this,
I wanna come apart.

But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed.

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said.

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down

Why can't we not be sober?
I Just want to start this over.
Ah, why can't we sleep forever?
I just want to start this over.

Amazing! Its like I drew this.

I like how you'll be using a Mac, a new one from 2009 or equal, complete with the most modern version of the operating system (OS X 10.5) and sometimes, not very often at all but very, very occasionally, you'll make it do something that slows the whole thing down and Mac breaks out the old school 'wristwatch' icon to show that its busy, like it did back in the 1980's. :-)

Check it. Learn it. Live it.

Small my table, a-sets just two
Got so crowded, I can't make room
Oh, where did they come from? Stormed my room!
And you dare say it belongs to you - to you

This is not for you!
This is not for you!
This is not for you!

Bonehead Moment Of The Night:

Guy walks up to the bar. He purposefully stops, looks over my shoulder at the beer fridge. There is an obvious moment where he is surveying what is in the fridge (Great Western Light, Pilsner, Premium and Kokanee)

Guy looks at me and asks, 'Can I have a Coors Light?'

Doritos

How many nights you sit beside the phone?
What were the things you wanted for yourself
Teenage ambitions you'll remember well.

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
And there's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web, any size,
Catches thieves just like flies
Look Out!
Here comes the Spiderman.

Is he strong?
Listen bud,
He's got radioactive blood.
Can he swing from a thread
Take a look overhead
Hey, there
There goes the Spiderman.

In the chill of night
At the scene of a crime
Like a streak of light
He arrives just in time.

Spiderman, Spiderman
Friendly neighborhood Spiderman
Wealth and fame
He's ingnored
Action is his reward.

To him, life is a great big bang up
Whenever there's a hang up
You'll find the Spider man.

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again

I must have dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams

I remember long ago
When the sun was shining
And all the stars were bright all through the night
In the wake of this madness, as I held you tight
So long ago

And there's not much love to go round

I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore

I just want something
I just want something I can never have

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

I am not alive if I’m lonely
So please don’t leave
Was it something I said or just my personality

I'm a fist of rage.

What the fuck is this world running to? You didn't leave a message. At least I coulda' heard your voice one last time.

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why, why, why
Can't it be, can't it be mine?

Oops. I did it again.

Will Sidney Crosby be traded at the NHL deadline?

Stay tuned for further details . . .

Bloq Question Of The Day:

What would happen if you dissolved sugar into diet Coke?

So I did it.

I looked it up on the internet and it said that a regular Coke has 45 g of sugar in it. That didn’t sound like a horrifying number to me, but the web site I got it from seemed to think a person should fall down dying it.

Strange though, when I went to mix up the liquid. I figured that it would be best if I poured a liquid into a liquid, rather than try to dissolve sugar cubes into a cold Diet Coke. I did some math and a sugar cube is about 3.5 g each. So when you do the math, if you want 50 g in the solution, you need to dissolve 15 cubes. That’s a lot of sugar cubes!

I’m sure everyone knows that it’s easier to dissolve things with hot water, so I got 100 mL from the on-demand coffee maker thing we have here. Poured all the water into a pitcher (I used a graduated cylinder to measure the 100 mL) and then dumped in 15 sugar cubes. I was a little dubious about whether this was going to work because just sitting there, I didn’t see a lot of dissolving going on. But the internet said you could actually get 211 g into 100 mL of water, so I had some faith and starting swirling it around. Imagine my surprise when all the cubes disappeared!

Alright, I had 100 mL of sugar water, and I had a Diet Coke. I took a sample taste of each one, just for comparison reasons, and mixed them together. I tried my mixture. The warm sugar water made the mixture less than fridge cold, so I added a couple of ice cubes to make a tasty drink.

Honestly, it didn’t taste fully like a Coke, but it didn’t taste like Diet Coke anymore either. It was definitely not diet anymore. That metallic-like after-taste is completely gone. However, regular Coke tastes a bit syrupy and that element was missing from my concoction. It tastes like a less syrupy than usual Coke. I like it!

After less than exhaustive testing, I have decided that I prefer my orange drink un-carbonated.

I think its time to get serious about my plan to not be old anymore.

I remember seeing this:

Snowjob 96

After a day and a half of non-stop Metallica, from their album Death Magnetic, I have decided that my favorite song from the album is:

Metallica - All Nightmare Long

Now, I am become Grant, the destroyer of toilets.

Thus begins the tale of my red mittens . . .

I got an email from The Hudson Bay Company last week. I don't remember the exact text anymore but it was something to the effect of:

"Support your Olympic athletes! Go to Zellers and buy a pair of red Olympic mittens! Now only $10!"

It seemed like a good pitch to me. I like to be patriotic, Zellers is close to my house and $10 seemed like a good deal for mittens. I wasn't entirely convinced however so I thought I'd better consult my sister.

She said it was a good idea.

Thus began my quest for red mittens.

The weekend didn't go so well, with a headache crippling me on Saturday, and my Sunday consumed by a massive drafting project, and then the Super Bowl in the late afternoon to evening. Suffice it to say, there was no time for red mittens.

So Monday was my first real attempt to acquire my prized possession, the Olympic red mittens. However Monday did not follow my original plan either. When I left for work my windshield wiper went flying off. I needed a replacement, which had to come from Costco (accursed place) so it would match the one that stayed on. Long story short, I didn't drive for home until 6:00.

Unbeknownst to me, but apparently knownst to Zellers employees, the store now closes at 6:00 on Monday's and Tuesday's. Who's idea was that, and why wasn't I notified? Regardless of the specifics of the decision, the Olympic gear was on the north side of the door, and i was on the south, and a lock was preventing one from meeting the other.

So the goal of acquiring red Olympic mittens was delayed yet another day.

I knew what I was up against so I left work at 5:00 today, so I'd have ample time to shop for my mittens. I even got a good parking spot in front of Zellers so the walk through the wind chill was minor. The doors opened before me, and within seconds I was in the Olympic apparel section of Zellers, which was conveniently right in front of the door.

What was not conveniently in the Olympic apparel section of the Lawson Heights Zellers were any god damn red Olympic mittens! So a quest that had been consuming me for 5 days will continue on further. I am left with only one question.

Where can I find some red Olympic mittens!?!

This is an honest, from the heart statement I am about to make. Even though I'm sure it will sound like a joke. (something for which this blog is well renowned)

If anyone can get a message to Erin Carmody of Team PEI, please tell her that I am willing to marry her, despite having never met in person.

However, its disappointing when later she says:

Its gotta be full eight.

I love it when a woman screams:

Hurry Hard!!! Its a tight hole!!

The official music video for the song "Snuff" by Slipknot sucks HARD.

A few reflections on humanity after visiting Xel'Ha today:

Its really no wonder that the rest of the world has little use for white people. We are, in the greater preponderance of numbers, a race of: fat, stupid, lazy, ignorant bastards who will ignore nearly every rule and cultural nicety, and generally take a big dump on something that is pure, and beautiful.

If you are at ALL uncertain about whether you should be wearing a thong/bikini can you PLEASE ask someone who's opinion you value and trust about wearing it in public, before going out? I think I almost went blind seeing that.

And this one goes out to the particularly vain white women out there:
If you really think that breast implants are going to significantly enhance your appearance, can you at least have the common, god damn decency to wear a bikini that hides the bloody scars from surgery!?!

For Sale:

One iPod 64 GB edition

cheap

iTunes is a dirty, ditch licking whore.

My afternoon was crashing and burning but this totally brightened things up!!!

Vajazzling

Now these guys are hardcore!!

Hardcore Gamers

I have an idea . . .

Why don't we stop in the narrowest part of the upper concourse, where the width available is approximately 6 feet, and it has the happy coincidence of being right in front of the elevator? Why don't we just stop and have a completely banal conversation about absolutely NOTHING!!!!

Doesn't that sound like a good, god damn idea!?!

So I go to bed tonight, feeling rather sleepy. I've got absent thoughts on my mind but nothing of much consequence. I look at the clock when I decide its time to retire and it spoke back to me that it was 12:48 AM. That seems like a reasonable time to call it a night.

So I'm lying in bed, just thinking casual thoughts. To think of anything more than that would just keep me awake, and that is not my goal on this evening.

But I keep hearing this sound. And I'm not going to pretend that it sounded like anything else. It sounded like someone's boot crunching in the show.

At one point I hear this loud thump, and it really seems like the foundations of my house have been rumbled, by something strong, and deep and powerful. One of those moments like when a garbage truck rumbles down the street, or a snow plow pushes a big load of snow into a pile formed on something hard and concrete.

This sound just keeps going on and on. A few crunches of snow, or so it seems and then silence again. Crunch, crunch, crunch and then nothing. In my paranoia and my anxiety I become convinced that someone is stumbling around the front of my house, trying to decide the best way to break in.

Do I get up and put my fears to rest? Do I dismiss the thoughts as foolish and try to get to sleep?

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

Finally I can no longer take it. Plus I had to go to the bathroom now. I get up. I go downstairs to the living room window and look for this snow crunching assailant that has ruined my night's sleep.

The time on the clock at my disposal reads a cool, crisp 1:21 AM. At first I see nothing, but that's because I'm looking in the bushes in front of my house, and there was never anyone there.

No, what has kept me up for going on towards 45 minutes now, is some ASSHOLE shovelling his bloody, god damn driveway at 1:30 in the blasted morning!!!

As I was driving away from the arena tonight, after Team Canada beat the Americans in over-time, and we all busted our asses to serve the crowd, I realized how I could have made a boat load of money.

There were 15,000+ people in that building tonight. Nearly all of them will have gotten to the game in a car. Those cars were spread across probably 100 acres, with temporary lots dotting the landscape all around.

As I was sitting, waiting for my frozen thunder-truck to reach some semblance of heated, I took note of the outside air temperature. It was being reported to me as -31 C.

I bet I could have sold rides to people's cars, in a warm cab, for $20 per trip easily.

Blog Question Of the Day:

Please disregard for a second that the girl in the picture is actually the TV/movie actress Hayden Panettiere.



How do I get a girl to look at me like that?

Blog Question Of The Day:

Why don't animated GIFs work on my Mac?

Anyone want/need a perfectly good (if dated) inkjet printer?

Star Wars on Christmas Eve is awesome!

I finally found the GOD DAMN Shake'n'Bake in Extra Foods!!!

Its time for the annual guessing game!

We are amending the rules this year to compensate for the World Junior Hockey Championships. Tips for 2009 ended with the Blades game on Dec. 16th. That was the last event I worked, in 2009, not counting the WJHC. Thus tips for the year are considered to have ended with that event.

The WJHC will have its own guessing game, after the last game on Jan. 5.

Here are your hints:

Some insipid entertainment news program just came on and described Tiger Woods' marriage as crumbling.

Crumbingl CRUMBLING!!! The dude banged 11 whores!!!

If Tiger Woods can rescue his marriage after banging 11 whores, and then admitting it, he truly IS the greatest athlete of all time.

Blog Quote Of The Day:

Life is nothing but a series of down moments.

Everyone bitches about the price of things. Everything is too much money, and no one ever wants to pay full price. It seems like everyone is waiting, waiting, waiting for a deal.

This afternoon I came up with a brilliant idea for how to lower the cost of vehicles.

Signal lights should be optional, and not standard equipment. Think about it. If they made signal lights optional, they'd obviously grossly over-price the option, so if you wanted them, it'd be like $1000. Voila, I just lowered the price of your new automobile by a grand.

Let's face it. None of you assholes are using the damn signal lights anymore, so why the hell even have them?

Blog Song of The Day:

Because The Night by:

1. 10,000 Maniacs - MTV Unplugged
2. Bruce Springsteen - Live from Verona '93
3. Patti Smith w/ Sarah McLachlan

And only listen to the Cascada version if you actually want to go out of your way to get a headache.

I think they need to come up with a better Viagra commercial. These cheesy one's are just getting on my nerves. They need to bring the female audience in as a potential source of new customers. Consequently I've come up with what I think is the perfect slogan for selling Viagra (or Cialis, or any other erectile dysfunction drug).

"Boners taste better with Viagra"

Blog Quote Of The Day:
(bonus points if you can name the movie)

"The whole world's against us dude, I swear to God"

I have decided that, until further notice, I am going to have a 'thing' for redheads.

That is all.