Blog Question Of The Day:

Why is it that I've never gone for a ride on an elephant?

Blog Link Of The Day:

This is freakin' hilarious!!!

F|_|cking Matt Damon

Blog Question Of The Day:

Would a pressure washer be good at removing soap scum in the bathroom?

Is there anything more white than driving around with a Ski-doo in the back of your pick-up truck?

Blog Question Of The Day:

Why does my cat watch me shovel snow?

Blog Question Of The Day:

Why are Government of Canada envelopes printed upside-down?

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

People that do something patently stupid, just because they're too lazy to walk 50 feet.

I'm leaving hockey this afternoon. Its a rink with two sheets of ice, and its not 4:30 in the afternoon so the action is beginning to heat up. The parking lot is starting to fill with cars. But its not full. Maximum density has not been reached. If you just drive to the end of the parking lot, there are lots of spots.

So what does this arrogant bitch in a champagne colored mini-van do? She turns off the street and immediately turns left and parks on the grass. On the grass!

You'd never do that in the spring or summer, when the grass is green and people are obviously tending to it. So why is it allowable in the god damn winter!?! Just because its covered in ice and snow does not mean you can park there! Grow a god damn brain!

P.S. VIP parking for concerts at Credit Union Centre is still gay.

This is just about the coolest thing that ever happened!

We had a mini-blizzard today. It was no terror or anything. Starting sometime overnight we had snow and a howling wind. It rose to a crescendo about 10:00 or 11:00 this morning. When I went for lunch at noon it was going pretty good. I've seen worse but it was a pretty good snowstorm.

Funny thing about going for lunch. When I came back I saw the funniest thing. There were two cop cars and a tow truck on Idylwyld heading south. This was approximately at Wheatheart. There, buried deep in the ditch was a Hummer H3. I guess they can't go through everything.

Back to the story.

I came home tonight at 9:30. I was kinda dreading it because there was a lot of snow on the road and frankly, I was fearing a big set of snow drifts in my driveway. But it was clean! Completely free! At first I thought maybe the wind has been such that it blew clean. But that was not the truth. Someone with a snow blower had seen fit to blow out my driveway. The whole thing. I am shocked, amazed, and quite humbled. I don't know why anyone would would do that for me.

But there it is, plain as anything. My driveway is clear and I don't have an hour's shovelling to do tomorrow. So, if whoever blew out my driveway is reading this, I bid you a hearty THANK YOU! I definitely appreciate it.

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

Wal-Mart

I had to go there today. I'm doing an experiment. I'm going to try watching a movie on my PlayStation Portable. To the best of my knowledge there are only two places to buy PSP movies in a store. You can go to Wal-Mart or Future Shop. You can go to Future Shop but the selection is abysmal and they want $25 for just about everything. Pardon me for being cheap but I don't want to spend $25 on a movie that will only work on my PlayStation Portable. So I went to Wal-Mart. They have quite a few movies actually (I've checked before) and they cost about half of what you'd pay at Future Shop. Plus I could pick up some groceries and that would be my only shopping trip.

So I go to Wal-Mart this morning. I wanted to go before lunch so the teeming hordes would not yet be roused. I was only partially successful. The place was still busy but thankfully I didn't have to stumble over shopping carts.

So what's the deal with the greeters at Wal-Mart? First of all, what's the point? Besides pissing me off, what do these people accomplish? I get the purpose of the guy at the exit door. You gotta stop shoplifting. And with the semi-destitute people that seem to love Wal-Mart, it seems like a valid concern. But what's that guy at the entrance doing? I could have punched the guy they had there today. I have to cut him a little slack because I think he was actually semi-retarded. But could he possibly greet me without screaming? He just barking at everyone coming in the door and it was really irritating. Part of his training should have been volume control.

But that's not what pisses me off. I pick up my UMD movie and head to the food section for my breakfast groceries. Suddenly there is this wailing! Its obviously a child but the volume was unbelievable! You'd think they'd been hit by a sniper attack. Seriously, this was death rattling. They damn kid just howls, and howls and howls. It was the type of scream that you only seem to get when anal sex goes bad. This was brutal.

I'm already losing my patience with this as I walk to the check-out counter. I'm half a store away. Its only when I get to the front tills that I discover the source of this howling. Half a store away! This little piss-ant brat is just screaming bloody murder and its permeating the whole store. At full volume! And these fucking idiot parents are just letting the kid scream. And scream, and scream, and scream. I wanted to commit murder again. Surely I'd be doing this kid a favor if I put two in the temple of this ignorant mother and her half-wit husband. And the real kick in the balls to this is, they didn't even look like your typical, ignorant welfare miscreants. It looked like a middle-class family.

Sometimes I think that murder is justified.

I apologize but there was supposed to be a picture here. Yeah, right here where all this boring text is. I burning my lip on super-heated cheese from the Crustini I had at lunch. It hurt quite a bit and after about 10 minutes I actually blistered my lip. That's what I was going to take a picture of, because I know you all need to be grossed out from time to time.

However, as it turns out there will be no picture because it burne enough that I kept nibbling on it to the point where I had no blister left when I got home tonight.

So there's no picture. Just this overly graphic description of the wound I inflicted upon myself.

I have a question.

Why is it that no one has invented an actual cure for headaches? I mean, come on! These things have plagued man for as long as we've been able to express that we're in pain. I think even the monkeys were getting headaches. I mean, have you ever watched them? They jump around and scream a lot. That seems like a headache sufferer to me.

This is why we hate the medical profession so much. (Or maybe its why I hate them so much) I have a problem and they do nothing for me. I get a headache and they sell me some pills. I take the pills and my headache doesn't go away. Why kind of a rip-off is this!?!

Probably the worst part about it is, we actually put up with this. Medicine fails us and we just go, oh well, and put up with it. It seems amazing that we've had 'modern' medicine for a hundred years or more, and they can't invent a way to eliminate a headache.

It just goes to show where the priorities are. They can invent a pill that'll give you a boner, but no one can cure my damn headache!

And this post goes out to all you dumb-ass companies that want me to fill in my postal code, or somehow otherwise identify my region when I go to your site to check prices.

STOP IT!!!!

When I look up something on the internet, I'm doing a quick search to find out how much something costs. The likelihood is, I"m eventually going to go to the store and pick it up. Truthfully, its more like catalog shopping. I want an idea of the price before I pursue the project further.

So I don't appreciate it when I gotta fill in details to look something up. If you're enough of a bunch of smucks that you have region specific pricing, then this is a wake-up call to knock that crap off. We all deserve the same low prices. And the number should be readily available, with about three (maybe) clicks on the ol' Firefox browser.

Listen to my words, for they be the voice of the consumer.

It is now time for our yearly game,

How Much Is In the Cookie Jar?




Submit your guesses for a chance to win the money!

Honestly, I shouldn't have to blog about this so often. The rules and guidelines for doing it properly are not that hard to follow. Everyone is supposed to become at least passingly familiar with the process before they are issued a license.

Why can't people park between the lines? When did this become a difficult task?

I'm at Future Shop this morning. Future Shop has cleaned out their parking lot very well, and the lines are easy to see. Nevertheless, in a full lot, some asshole has parked right across a line, insted of between them. And at an angle no less! So this wastes a spot, at a store that can ill afford to have a wasted space. I actually stopped today. I actually stopped and considered kicking the mini van. Realistically, the only thing stopping me was that I wasn't wearing steel toed boots. Had I had steel toes, I think that mini van would have a dent right now.

Then I get to Safeway and all bloody hell has broken loose. The lot has not been cleaned well, so you have to use your discretion to establish where to park. Of course, discretion for the 2000 cars in the lot seemed to mean, park wherever you please. How can you be that dumb? I parked near the end of the row, becuase it was kinda full and I had no patience for driving around looking for a spot that was marginally better. When I come out, more people have parked around me, and its an absolute cluster-bomb. Some guy in a white 1972 Chevy pick-up basically laid it wherever he pleased, turning the row into a serpentine disaster that was next to impossible to get out of. Plus there was Captain Fantastic on my right who'd inexplicably taken the challen of parking as close to me as possible, without removing his mirrors.

Speaking of captains of idiocy, there was the retard in the VW at Future Shop that tried to take my parking spot before I was even out of it. What grade of elementary school do you have to flunk out of to pull a stunt like that? I'm backing out, and this retard is diving into the open space. Nevermind that, at the current time, there was no one else around. So he gets halfway in and now I'm pinned because I needed that space to re-orient and drive away. So I'm cursing him for being a dick and just a hairs-breadth away from getting out to pummel him when he rolls back. I think better of my violence and just drive away.

I am now going to relax and try to forget that the world is full of idiots. If you need me, I'm on the couch.

Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant.

. . .

And I laughed my balls off!!!

Blog Poll Of The Day:

Should I buy a speaker package for my laptop?

I am making a new rule.

This rule applies to the office. Specifically, this rule applies to children in the office.

In general I have no specific opinion on children in the workplace. If they don't bother me, I don't bother them. However, there needs to be a rule about these sort of things. And I'm going to write that rule.

"If your child is not old enough the understand the phrase 'shut the hell up' and actually follow the directive, then they are not old enough to be in the office."

Please follow this rule from now on.

Blog Question Of The Day:

The mohawk picture on Facebook was a good joke but it seems to me it has lingered just a bit long. However, I find myself with a bit of a dilemma. I have nothing to replace it that is:

a) a picture of me
b) current

Does anyone have a picture that fits the criteria, that I could use?

Can I get a ruling on something?

Shouldn't we have the right, and maybe even the responsibility, to use a rocket launcher on people that drive slow for completely inexplicable reasons? I'm driving down the street lately and I keep getting stuck behind these people driving unbelievably slow. Its just retarded.

The speed limit on the road is 60 km/h. This is a well travelled road and not a residential or side street. The person I get stuck behind is doing 30 km/h. Maybe. There's nothing wrong with the road. Its in excellent winter driving conditions. This idiot goes half the speed limit.

Shouldn't I be blowing this moron away? Doesn't behaviour like that warrant a rocket to the rear end? Or, am I completely off base on this?

I have a word of advice to all of those people in the world who try to be the funny customer. If you want to be the 'funny' customer can you please take a moment and think to yourself, am I really funny? If funny doesn't come naturally to you, or you have to force a joke to be funny, then do us both a favor and just order your drink, pay, and walk away.

There's nothing more tragic than some idiot thinking he's funny, when he's not, and we both have to stand there and pretend like something lame was worth even a half-smile.